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Do you feel like you're always the first one to try to fix your relationship? Chances are good the answer is "yes." However, you might be surprised to learn that your woman probably thinks she's the "fixer" too! A recent study showed that 83% of women say they're the primary fixers, while 70% of men identify themselves in that role. Why can't we see that our partner is working hard to improve things between us, also? Mars Venus research shows that couples create a lot of misunderstandings by misreading their partner's intentions. The truth is, in healthy relationships, both partners should be trying to "fix" the relationship. What we need to learn is how to recognize our partner's efforts, and how men and women communicate differently. Recognize the problems The root of the problem appears to lie in a common communication blunder -- understanding why we talk. Unfortunately, most people assume that men and women talk for the same reasons, when if fact they don't. Women primarily talk to explore their feelings, while men primarily talk to find solutions. When a woman tries to talk to her partner about a problem, his natural reaction is usually to offer her a solution. He wants to be her hero by solving the problem and instantly becoming Mr. Fix-It, coming to her rescue. The problem is that while Mr. Fix-It is a wonderful addition to a relationship when there's a flat tire or a need for an immediate solution, this persona often causes conflict in relationships. Men must give up giving unsolicited advice. Try this exercise: Whenever a woman speaks, listen carefully. Make eye contact. Nod your head. Ask questions about her feelings. Tell her you see how that could be really upsetting, difficult, challenging, or frustrating to her. Encourage her to open up, and, above all, do not offer any solutions or try to change her feelings. If you can keep Mr. Fix-It away during sensitive times, you'll be surprised at how grateful she'll be for the chance to share her feelings. On the other hand, women must also learn to recognize Mr. Fix-It when we start trying to solve their problems. We mean well, but it's simply misguided. Your lady should tell you something like, "Honey, I appreciate your efforts to help me, but something's bothering me and I need to get it out. Could you just listen to me for a few minutes? I'm not looking for a quick fix." Although you understand this communication issue, this way of approaching the situation can only help. Communicate and stop fighting Men and women have very different communication styles. When a man learns how to listen to a woman, she will feel understood, respected and reassured. And when a woman understands why her man reacts to her the way he does, she will be able to better appreciate his good intentions and not get angry. Then, she'll have the freedom to explain her needs so he can communicate even better. Problem solved. Communication Problems with Men - 5 Tips for Productive Arguments and Improved Relationships Communication problems with a man are a common problem for women.This is perhaps women's #1 complaint. He just doesn't understand; he never says he's sorry; he won't share his feelings. Or, when a woman is trying to make a point, he yells or walks out of the room. Women's list of communication complaints about men they love goes on and on. The truth is that, typically, women spend more time than men thinking about their relationships and worrying about what they did to cause a problem and what they can do to make it better. You read books, talk with friends, and think of all the ways you can make things better. Right? On the other hand, when a man is angry or hurt, he typically puts it away and moves on. Like a client said in my office just yesterday, "I suck it up. Isn't that what couples are supposed to do?" Well, no. That's what men do; but women do just the opposite. Men and women are governed by different rules for dealing with relationship problems. For men, it's a simplistic "If it ain't broke, don't fix it." They believe if you mess with something small, you risk making it worse. For women, though, it's just the opposite. "If there's a problem, even a small one, I better fix it now so it doesn't get bigger." You see the problem? So, what can you do about it? Here are some guidelines you can use to make your during "discussions" more productive 1. Set an agenda. Let him know the topic of what you want to discuss. Agree upon a specific time to talk; don't just bring it up randomly. 2. Be specific in your complaint/request. Know what you want to say and use no more than 3-5 sentences. Men tend to get lost in women's words. 3. Remove your emotion. "Just the facts, ma'am; just the facts." Tears and yelling scare men and distract then from hearing what you are saying. 4. Set a goal of coming to a joint resolution (even if that means agreeing to disagree). If you both have that as a goal at the onset, you can come back to that if either of you are getting defensive or attacking. 5. Remember you love each other; you are on the same team. Use these tips and you will experience the differences in your ability to communicate -- despite the gender differences. Communication problems between men and women date back through evolution. Women continue to baffle men, while men baffle women. Creating good communication skills between the sexes, however, isn't hopeless. Improving communication involves learning the basics of listening, accepting differences, showing empathy and focusing attention. Gender Differences • According to the Cooperative Extension, good communication occurs when a sender conveys a message and a receiver understands the message conveyed in a clear and accurate way. How individuals achieve a clear give-and-take of information seems to vary between the sexes. Women empathize more while listening to another person and tend to take in subtle cues. While men focus on the literal words coming from someone's mouth, a woman may pay more attention to posture, tone of voice, facial expression and mood. Men are more task-oriented, where communication is concerned, while women focus more on intimacy. In a theoretical conversation between a man and woman, for instance, a woman may say, "I'm exhausted. Work was nonstop and my boss is a jerk." The man responds with a solution like, "Take the day off tomorrow"; or "Tell your boss off." Problem seemingly solved, the man walks off thinking the conversation is over. The woman, on the other hand, reacts with anger by saying, "You never listen to me." Women often expect a man to react with empathy like other women tend to. In the above example, the woman hoped her partner would simply listen to her complaints and feelings, or perhaps share similar concerns. Steps to Better Communication • Learning about different communication styles between the sexes provides a foundation for making things better. Knowing men like to get straight to the point, for instance, a woman might craft her side of the conversation with that in mind, hopefully keeping her partner interested. Instead of creating a big buildup to the story, she makes her narrative shorter than normal, realizing she can share further details once the conversation has commenced. Understanding a woman's need to share similar experiences, a man can try harder to identify with the feelings she expresses. He must realize that while he thinks he's attempting to solve her problem, he has actually stopped listening, and sharing. In the earlier example, the man could respond to the woman's venting by answering, "I've had days like that too. I hate when I work hard and my boss doesn't appreciate my work." The woman, in the example, may specifically tell her partner how to meet her needs instead of assuming he will by instinct. She could say, "I need you to listen to my day, but not solve my problem. I just need someone to listen right now." By listening with sensitivity, and not in a problem-solving manner, his behavior makes the woman feel valued and understood. Above all else, acceptance is the first step in improving the communication. Men and women must make an effort to understand and accept the varied manner in which one another expresses ideas and feelings. Unless both parties feel a sense of security and trust, any possibility of good communication fades. Communication between Men and Women 10 Ugly Mistakes Women Make That Ruins Any Chances of a Relationship Ladies, do you ever feel like when talking to your boyfriend or husband that he thinks you are speaking a different language? It is frustrating for both when this happens! Some men feel that all women want to do is talk! Well, women do like to talk things out, that is very true! Men talk mostly to share immediate info, nothing more nothing less. Conversations with men can seem like they are not interested in you or care, but really they just don't feel the need to say more than needed for that moment. They want to get to the point and they are done. In reality that’s just the way mens brains are wired. Not all men are like this, there are alot of men out there that love a good conversation. But in general men speak half as many words in a day as women. And men need to be heard about their opinions and feelings (yes in their own way they share their feelings) Men process information differently than women in that they do not 'multi task' their thoughts. They prefer them one or two at a time, process them and move on to the next. Women's brains however are wired to handle many conversations and thoughts. We just have that ability! The best way to keep a man's attention during a conversation is to be more direct. Men lose interest when you take a wordy route to the point of your story. Remember, men are wired to be the provider and solvers. They may take the things a woman is sharing as needing help when all she needs is someone to listen. So she may be offended when he tries to fix things when she doesn't feel she needs fixed! Women tend to work through problems by verbalizing them because by verbalizing them we 'see' them and can solve them usually ourselves. Men need to realize that not every question from a woman is a problem begging for a solution. A woman will ask for your help or a solution if she needs one, most of the time she is venting or verbalizing just to verbalize! Advice for guys? Listen, listen, and listen. And it’s okay to mirror back to her what she said to clarify her meanings if you don't know. You can't read her mind any more than she can read yours. Advice for a woman? Talk to your girlfriends more! 😉 Kidding aside, women need to engage her man in conversations that interest him more, be less wordy in your side of the conversations and be more to the point. And remember, he cannot read your mind any more than you can read his! Relationship Communication Issues - How to Read a Man One of the biggest obstacles in relationships is communication. Men and women communicate in different ways. Have you ever been talking with your man and suddenly feel as if you are speaking two completely different languages? "I have feelings for you, but I am just not ready for a commitment." "You are too good for me. You deserve better." "I will call you." You have probably heard at least one of these and you know that behind the words hides the real meaning. You know that what he says is not always what he means. Saying What They Don't Mean Since men have a habitual habit of not saying what they mean, you have to find a way to figure it out without going crazy. You can do this by learning more about male communication style and learning how to read body language. One of the top things to learn about men is that actions do speak louder than words. Men will often say one thing and do another. Pay attention to what he does as this will show you his true feelings. You likely put more stakes in words because that is how women communicate. We usually say what we mean and our actions act as the cover up. You just need to understand that men are the exact opposite. Their words are the cover and their actions are the real deal. What's Up With the Commitment Fear? One of the biggest communication misunderstandings comes when their is talk of a commitment. It is just plain wrong to believe that all men are afraid of commitment. There are plenty of men in committed relationships. Get this out of your head right now because it is only hurting you. When your man tells you that he is not ready for a commitment then he really means something else. Maybe he feels like being with you is too much work. Most guys want to be in a relationship that doesn't require constant work to keep things together. He really wants just what you do. He wants security, emotional attachment, attraction and stability. If he is not getting these things then he may back away. Men just are not as attached to the idea of being in a relationship as women, so they find it easier to say they want out and when he says he is not ready for a commitment, he likely means that he wants out. The Fatal Mistake The one mistake you can make that will just ruin all communication with your man is thinking that the way he thinks is just like you. Nothing will burn up your relationship faster than assuming you know what he feels. Men and women are different and this is something you must accept. You need to figure out what he means when he says something. If you don't know how he feels then ask him. Never assume something if you have no real proof that this is what he really means. Final Words When you start to look at the way a man communicates as completely separate from how you communicate then you will find things are much better in your relationships. You have to look beyond the words. If you simply cannot figure it out then ask him. Don't assume anything. Watch what he does and see if it follows with what he says. If not, then tell him he is confusing you and you just want to get to the real meaning of what he is saying. Keep communication open and your relationship will be much better for it.
It’s never easy when a marriage or significant relationship ends. Whatever the reason for the split—and whether you wanted it or not—the breakup of a relationship can turn your whole world upside down and trigger all sorts of painful and unsettling feelings. But there are plenty of things you can do to get through this difficult time and move on. You can even learn from the experience and grow into a stronger, wiser person.
Why do breakups hurt so much, even when the relationship is no longer good? A divorce or breakup is painful because it represents the loss, not just of the relationship, but also of shared dreams and commitments. Romantic relationships begin on a high note of excitement and hope for the future. When these relationships fail, we experience profound disappointment, stress, and grief. A breakup or divorce launches us into uncharted territory. Everything is disrupted: your routine and responsibilities, your home, your relationships with extended family and friends, and even your identity. A breakup brings uncertainty about the future. What will life be like without your partner? Will you find someone else? Will you end up alone? These unknowns often seem worse than an unhappy relationship. Recovering from a breakup or divorce is difficult. However, it’s important to know (and to keep reminding yourself) that you can and will move on. But healing takes time, so be patient with yourself. • Recognize that it’s OK to have different feelings. It’s normal to feel sad, angry, exhausted, frustrated, and confused—and these feelings can be intense. You also may feel anxious about the future. Accept that reactions like these will lessen over time. Even if the marriage was unhealthy, venturing into the unknown is frightening. • Give yourself a break. Give yourself permission to feel and to function at a less than optimal level for a period of time. You may not be able to be quite as productive on the job or care for others in exactly the way you’re accustomed to for a little while. No one is superman or superwoman; take time to heal, regroup, and re-energize. • Don’t go through this alone. Sharing your feelings with friends and family can help you get through this period. Consider joining a support group where you can talk to others in similar situations. Isolating yourself can raise your stress levels, reduce your concentration, and get in the way of your work, relationships, and overall health. Don’t be afraid to get outside help if you need it. • Don’t fight your feelings – It’s normal to have lots of ups and downs, and feel many conflicting emotions, including anger, resentment, sadness, relief, fear, and confusion. It’s important to identify and acknowledge these feelings. While these emotions will often be painful, trying to suppress or ignore them will only prolong the grieving process. • Talk about how you’re feeling – Even if it is difficult for you to talk about your feelings with other people, it is very important to find a way to do so when you are grieving. Knowing that others are aware of your feelings will make you feel less alone with your pain and will help you heal. Journaling can also be a helpful outlet for your feelings. • Remember that moving on is the end goal – Expressing your feelings will liberate you in a way, but it is important not to dwell on the negative feelings or to over-analyze the situation. Getting stuck in hurtful feelings like blame, anger, and resentment will rob you of valuable energy and prevent you from healing and moving forward. • Remind yourself that you still have a future – When you commit to another person, you create many hopes and dreams. It’s hard to let these dreams go. As you grieve the loss of the future you once envisioned, be encouraged by the fact that new hopes and dreams will eventually replace your old ones. • Know the difference between a normal reaction to a breakup and depression - Grief can be paralyzing after a breakup, but after a while, the sadness begins to lift. Day by day, and little by little, you start moving on. However, if you don’t feel any forward momentum, you may be suffering from depression. • Spend time with people who support, value, and energize you. As you consider who to reach out to, choose wisely. Surround yourself with people who are positive and who truly listen to you. It’s important that you feel free to be honest about what you’re going through, without worrying about being judged, criticized, or told what to do. • Get outside help if you need it. If reaching out to others doesn’t come naturally, consider seeing a counselor or joining a support group. The most important thing is that you have at least one place where you feel comfortable opening up. • Cultivate new friendships. If you feel like you have lost your social network along with the divorce or breakup, make an effort to meet new people. Join a networking group or special interest club, take a class, get involved in community activities, or volunteer at a school, place of worship, or other community organization.
A divorce is a highly stressful, life-changing event. When you’re going through the emotional wringer and dealing with major life changes, it’s more important than ever to take care of yourself. The strain and upset of a major breakup can leave you psychologically and physically vulnerable. Treat yourself like you’re getting over the flu. Get plenty of rest, minimize other sources of stress in your life, and reduce your workload if possible. Learning to take care of yourself can be one of the most valuable lessons you learn following a divorce or breakup. As you feel the emotions of your loss and begin learning from your experience, you can resolve to take better care of yourself and make positive choices going forward. • Make time each day to nurture yourself. Help yourself heal by scheduling daily time for activities you find calming and soothing. Go for a walk in nature, listen to music, enjoy a hot bath, get a massage, read a favorite book, take a yoga class, or savor a warm cup of tea. • Pay attention to what you need in any given moment and speak up to express your needs. Honor what you believe to be right and best for you even though it may be different from what your ex or others want. Say "no" without guilt or angst as a way of honoring what is right for you. • Stick to a routine. A divorce or relationship breakup can disrupt almost every area of your life, amplifying feelings of stress, uncertainty, and chaos. Getting back to a regular routine can provide a comforting sense of structure and normalcy. • Take a time out. Try not to make any major decisions in the first few months after a separation or divorce, like starting a new job or moving to a new city. If you can, wait until you’re feeling less emotional so that you can make better decisions. • Avoid using alcohol, drugs, or food to cope. When you’re in the middle of a breakup, you may be tempted to do anything to relieve your feelings of pain and loneliness. But using alcohol, drugs, or food as an escape is unhealthy and destructive in the long run. It’s essential to find healthier ways of coping with painful feelings. • Explore new interests. A divorce or breakup is a beginning as well as an end. Take the opportunity to explore new interests and activities. Pursuing fun, new activities gives you a chance to enjoy life in the here-and-now, rather than dwelling on the past.
• Step back and look at the big picture. How did you contribute to the problems of the relationship? • Do you tend to repeat the same mistakes or choose the wrong person in relationship after relationship? • Think about how you react stress and deal with conflict and insecurities. Could you act in a more constructive way? • Consider whether or not you accept other people the way they are, not the way they could or “should” be. • Examine your negative feelings as a starting point for change. Are you in control of your feelings, or are they in control of you? You’ll need to be honest with yourself during this part of the healing process. Try not to dwell on who is to blame or beat yourself up over your mistakes. As you look back on the relationship, you have an opportunity to learn more about yourself, how you relate to others, and the problems you need to work on. If you are able to objectively examine your own choices and behavior, including the reasons why you chose your former partner, you’ll be able to see where you went wrong and make better choices next time.
The challenges both men and women face after a divorce are quite extreme. Some problems are common to both men and women, and others are unique to each gender. I wanted to go through some of the biggest problems men face from divorce in this section before we move on to ways of moving on and overcoming them. Divorce recovery for men is not something that is talk about enough in our society. This is a terrible shame because men are emotional creatures just as women are and yet there is so little support for men from other men, from the state, and especially from women. Perhaps the biggest problem however is the men themselves refuse to seek help so often out of fear of being labeled as weak or a coward. This is one of the worst insults men feel when it comes to any crisis in life as we have been taught over an again to be strong, to solve problems, to be the one who 'deals with it'. So what can be done to help men recover form divorce and what Challenges do they have to face and overcome?
Men are complicated and emotional creatures just as women are despite the stereotype of the stoic strong male. Time and again those stereotypes turn out to be very wrong and are s symptom of men burying their feelings deep inside causing a huge amount of psychological problems such as addiction, alcoholism, abuse, misogyny and so forth. The emotions men will feel in post-divorce life are like a roller coaster • Denial and delusion • Anger, resentment, rage and bitterness • Sadness, depression, suicidal thoughts • Desperation, low self esteem It is important to actually go through these emotions, the problems are when they are repressed, or if men get stuck in one set of emotional turmoil and cannot find their way out. These all stem from a sense of grief at losing their emotional support, their family and feeling worthless and emasculated and often hated by their ex-wife and the word around them.
I like to put this separate from the emotional turmoil because it is the root cause of such things. Men with low self-worth are in the most danger of destructive behavior including violence, clinical depression and of course suicide. In fact, divorced men as three times more likely to take their own lives as married men. Men who feel confident about who they are and their place in society are happier men and more able to cope with life’s problems. As we have seen though, the loss of so many parts of what makes a man who he is becomes devastating to this sense of self-worth. A man's identity is usually tied to his marriage, his family, and his place in society. Having these stripped away in an instant is as distressing as you can get for the psyche of a man. The ego becomes a wounded beast craving attention and sustenance.
Surprising new marriage rules to help you get closer--or even fall in love again. By the time we reach our 15th wedding anniversaries, most of us know how to handle the ups and downs of marriage. Sure, the wedding china may have a few chips, and perhaps we've had one too many spats about who forgot to bring home the milk. But we've also learned to negotiate holidays with the in-laws, wrangle tantrum-throwing kids, and talk each other through blown transmissions and career crossroads. Now, instead of having our accomplishment acknowledged, it looks like we're in for a whole new set of marital challenges. Friends, family, movies, and talk show hosts warn us of midlife marriage dangers like husbands ditching their wives for younger women or empty-nest syndrome catapulting couples into divorce court. If getting the kids into college didn't force us apart, it seems, then 20-something blond will. Well, maybe not. At last count, America's divorce rate had fallen to 36 percent, its lowest level since 1970. That's because, on the whole, most of us like being married, and so do our spouses. And while there are certain challenges inherent in waking up next to the same guy for 5,379 mornings in a row, many so-called "inevitable" marriage pitfalls are really just unexamined old wives' tales. On closer inspection, two facts become clear: There's only a trace of truth in each fable — but there's also the potential to retool them to make your relationship even closer. Here are five of the most enduring myths, plus new rules to replace them
As marriage folklore goes, the idea that it's imperative to settle every disagreement before day's end is pretty well entrenched. (After all, that's the way some people read that "Do not let the sun go down on your wrath" line from the Bible, as well as how others interpret the pop-psychology dictum "voicing grievances clears the air.") And many of us have accepted the premise that if we don't address disputes at once, all that unresolved conflict just festers inside us and we'll wake up angrier each day, until someone finally explodes over an uncapped tube of toothpaste. Ideally, of course, we would all be able to truly forgive every slight and make up before bedtime. But guess what? No one is that perfect. And, in reality, most spouses don't solve problems well when they're mad. In fact, "the idea that it's helpful for couples to air their grievances in the heat of the moment is probably one of the most dangerous marriage myths out there. Often, nothing gets resolved — the partners just get more and more furious." When people are overwhelmed by emotions like anger, they experience what psychologists call "flooding," a physiological response that leaves their hearts pounding and their concentration shot, to say nothing of their ability to resolve arguments fairly or amicably.
Rather than stay up to debate the disagreement du jour, couples should set aside a moment every night to focus on what's good about their marriage. Then, "no matter what — if you're angry, if he's angry, or if you're both exhausted — kiss good night for six seconds," he advises. "Sure, sometimes you'll be so mad or tired that the kiss will last for six nanoseconds. But it will remind you of your enduring affection, and besides — long kisses often lead to something even better than conversation." That's not to say that conflicts don't have to be dealt with. To make sure disputes don't get swept under the bed sheets, having a standing, short "State of Our Union" meeting each week (just not at bedtime). "Take turns telling each other something about your marriage or your partner that you appreciated that week, and then afterward each of you gets to bring up one issue."
The fable is that some couples just drift apart as their personalities change or their interests diverge. But experts say if you look closely at most happy twosomes, you'll be amazed at how little they actually have in common. She could spend every spare hour crafting, and he might be the world's most ardent sports fan. Yet they've discovered ways to be themselves and together at the same time: That means sometimes she knits on the sofa to keep him company while he watches the Reds battle the Mets. In fact, experts say, shared interests or even similar temperaments are no assurance of marital longevity. "If these factors were truly important," couples who meet through matchmaking services, which frequently try to pair singles according to hundreds of points of compatibility, would have a better chance of staying married than those who meet randomly. They don't."
"We need to give long-term partners credit for their marriages, disagreements, illnesses, financial problems, kids' issues, maybe even an affair. They survive because they understand that they are a team, and they work to find ways to come together, whether in a crisis or in good times." The truth is, we all change constantly, and that's a blessing. "If you sprayed fixative on people during their wedding ceremony, life would just be too boring." But make sure you and your husband are checking in regularly with each other, and that all the little marital compromises and negotiations are making you both feel happy and involved in each other's evolving lives. That way, you can grow together, rather than apart, and, if anything, feel more in love than ever.
TV sitcoms notwithstanding, the idea that midlife couples settle into sexual hibernation just isn't true. In fact, many report that intimacy improves as the years go by. After all, once they get through their early-relationship trials and errors, they find a sexual style that makes them both happy." And for many wives, sex certainly doesn't deteriorate in midlife. On the contrary: In a recent British study, 64 percent of women surveyed attested that after they reached menopause, their sex lives either stayed on course or got even better. What makes intimacy more satisfying is the comfort married couples develop with talking about what doesn't work for them and — perhaps more important — what does. In fact it’s proven that partners' communication about what they wanted sexually was linked to their being happy with the sex itself.
Since talking about sex is key to sexual satisfaction itself, make it a priority this weekend — regardless of whether you think your sex life is already OK or not. Naturally, even if you both communicate perfectly well about everything else under the sun, it may feel awkward or even embarrassing to suddenly start giving your husband explicit sexual pointers. So ease into the subject. If it occurs to you that you've done it exactly the same way 33 times in a row, you could say, "I can't remember the last time we made love with the lights on, can you?" Sexual reminiscing may not lead to a romantic interlude, but it will get you talking. And the safer each of you feels in expressing what you like and don't like, the easier it is to make adjustments that can ramp up the sexual satisfaction on both sides of the bed.
Most parents have pangs of sadness when the kids are finally gone, moments when the house seems impossibly quiet or they catch themselves having a lengthy chat with the cat. And some couples really do struggle — but many renew their commitment to each other. "With the kids out of the house, marriages can bloom — when there is a sense of shared purpose. That communion can sometimes get pushed aside in the daily round of raising a family and making a living. "Some couples may have let that feeling of togetherness die," he explains. "Then it's not the kids' leaving the nest that somehow makes their marriages seem empty. They've already been empty a long time, and when the children leave home, the couple finally notices." But for many husbands and wives, "marital satisfaction actually goes up once the kids are gone. After an adjustment period of six to 12 months, spouses often realize that they have more leisure time, more money, and more freedom to reengage with each other. And without children in the house, there's often less cause for conflicts.
When your kids move out, keep your life full and your relationship central. Compile lists of what you and your husband can do now that you couldn't before, suggests Bray, whether it's traveling to Tahiti or having sex on the sofa. "Celebrate! You've succeeded in raising independent adults," he says, "and now you have the opportunity to decide what to do next. Will you get more involved in town politics? Learn to tango? Go out to dinner more often?" Whatever it is, make sure it's something you both enjoy as you rediscover each other.
It's true that men sometimes do crazy things when they reach a certain age. You may feel like snickering at some of their attempts to regain their lost youth, like the balding executive who gets a spanking-new Harley — or a much younger girlfriend. Such drastic changes are fortunately far from commonplace outside the soaps, but psychologists say that most of us will go through a period of midlife reevaluation.
Actually, this period of reexamination is a healthy part of development. As people move into their 40s, 50s, and beyond, their perspectives shift. Careers may plateau or take off in unexpected new directions. The first serious health problem may come along, or a parent may die and spur you to rethink your priorities. All of these are natural, inevitable transitions, and the best approach to dealing with them is to learn what you can and follow where they lead you. Fortunately, most people do: A recent poll by volunteermatch.org found that more than half of those over 55 are looking forward to starting new chapters in their lives. More and more the phrase "midlife crisis" is being swapped for "reinvention"; all across America, you can hear men and women talking about their second acts. But rarely do they mean a full-scale life overhaul. More often they're contemplating ways to make more time for what they already love. Men who have done a little woodworking take on a deck redesign; women who have always wanted more time to get in shape sign up for their first triathlon. Not only are these course corrections good for us as individuals, they also seem to invigorate our relationships. People in their 40s and 50s feel they have more control over their work, their finances, and their marriages, reports a multi-university study. Some crisis, huh? Instead of worrying about his issues, focus on whether you're ripe for reinvention yourself. Rediscover your priorities, and above all, don't feel you're being selfish by pursuing your passion: What's good for you is good for your marriage, too.
Ticked off. Fed up. Enraged. Call it what you will, but we've all been there. Anger is part of being human. Problems start when you bottle it up, react now and think later, or feel that a destructive response is justified just because you're furious," he says. In fact, both flying off the handle and wallowing can take a toll on your health, increasing pain perception, depression, and your risk of heart disease. But a healthier response can soothe stress, lower your risk of heart problems and depression, and improve your relationships. If that all sounds too good to be true, get this: Experts say we can all learn to handle our anger more effectively. Here, discover the tempo of your temper, and find yourself a better rhythm. You and your husband have been bickering, a lot. After a volley about housework escalates into an ugly argument, you call your sister in tears and pour your heart out. She offers some sound advice and promises not to discuss the matter with anyone else. A week later, during a dinner with your extended family, your brother leans over and quietly asks whether you and your husband have made up yet. Since you haven't breathed a word of it to anyone else, it's obvious that your sister must have betrayed your confidence. You ... 1 ... push away from the table and demand that your sister join you in the kitchen, then tell her, perhaps loudly, that you're appalled that she's broken your trust, and keep hammering your point until she's on the verge of tears. 2 ... grit your teeth and refuse to make eye contact with your sister for the rest of the night. Later, when she asks, you deny that anything's wrong, but you leave early and rigorously avoid her calls for the next couple of weeks. 3 ... sit through dinner with your stomach in knots, and then spend the weekend ruminating over the matter. You say nothing to your sister but resolve privately never again to confide in her about anything of importance to you. 4... Put the incident out of your head for the evening, and then ask your sister to meet for coffee the next day. You tell her that you're aware she betrayed you, your feelings are hurt, and it will take time for you to trust her again. Marriage is a full time job. It's not always going to be perfect and it takes effort from both people to create a healthy relationship. If your marriage isn't doing so well right now, that's ok, as long as you are both willing to work at it, you can fix it. Below you will find a list of suggestions to use in your marriage every day to help improve it. I assure you, if you use these "guidelines" every day, you will find yourself in a much happier marriage. 1. HAVE RESPECT - You have to show one another respect in order for things to work. Think of the one person in your life that you have the highest respect for (i.e. - mother, grandparent, and friend) and treat your spouse no differently from the way you would treat that person. 2. HONESTY - No matter what the issue, be honest with one another on a daily basis. Share your thoughts and opinions (good or bad). 3. GREET each other with a smile and kiss each time one comes in the door. Whether you are getting home from work, school, a meeting, a ball game, or a concert, greet each other at the door! 4. BE MATURE - Don't yell at each other to the top of your lungs, it does nothing but make you even angrier. Instead, talk to each other in a conversation. Talk out your disagreements. You have to communicate. DO NOT call each other names or curse at one another. 5. (If you have children) DON"T FIGHT AROUND YOUR CHILD(REN). Period. It is uncalled for and will affect your child through life more than you probably know. Go to another room where your kids are not exposed. 6. DON"T FIGHT ABOUT MONEY. I realize that's hard to do, but money is one of the leading causes of divorce in this country. Remember that money cannot buy you love. Money can only buy material items. When you're left without your spouse, your money won't provide you a true love. You must love your spouse because you did marry him/her. 7. HAVE FUN - set aside at least one night every week where you go out to see a movie or go to dinner. If you have a child(ren) tries to get a sitter for a few hours. It's important for you to have your own time together. 8. HAVE A FAMILY DAY - Where you take your child(ren) out for a day. Go to the park, to the movies, or just for a walk, but you should have your family time together as well. 9. If your schedules allow it, HAVE DINNER AT THE TABLE as a family. This can have such an impact on your relationship and your family. It gives you a chance to talk about your day and just have a conversation. 10. Repeat steps 1-9 every day to help improve your marriage. Remember, you BOTH have to be serious in order for your marriage to improve. One of the biggest keys to a successful marriage is to have open communication. So many things affect marriages every day that people just don't realize. Money, sex, religion, and even your children can have huge effects on a relationship and family. Don't let your marriage go, fight for it! The divorce rate is far too high these days and it shouldn't be. People are either getting married for the wrong reasons or they are giving up on marriage before they have even tried to make it work. It's worth it for you, your spouse and your children (if you have any or any future children you may have). Life is short, enjoy it. Don't let the petty things bring you down! Do something about it NOW. How to make your marriage last and be happy? Well it’s not as simply as it sounds it takes a lot of hard work from both partners But if you want your marriage to last for better or worse in sickness to death do us part remember saying that when you walked down the aisle. SO here is a list that should help you stick your marriage vows out. 1. Communication I think is the key word a lot of talking and discusses things being open with each other letting the other person know how you feel sad. Lonely, even if it’s bad you need to discuss with your partner so you can fix it together 2. Be honest with each other telling the truth was its hard to sometimes have you ever told a small white lie saying that he is better off not knowing cause it just will hurt him in the long run when he finds out and I believe it always comes out. I know in my life I told a lot of lies and I learned from my mistakes that were wrong that I should trust him to tell him anything. 3. Being each other best friend spending a lot of time talking. Watching movies. Going out together having fun with each other enjoying being around each other/ 4. Cheating is a big one too not being around people that you find attractive and that could lead to other things. Not going out to bars and clubs with single friends go out with your husband. 5. Date night yes put aside one night ever week or 2 that you and your spouse can go out alone to dinner, dancing, movie and have that quality time together without kids and work getting in the way. 6. Trust your spouse so when she or he goes out with friends that you believe she will be loyal to you. if you don’t have trust in your marriage it will not work or you may stay together and be very unhappy cause he or she is always wondering if you are cheating on them or even lying about something 7. Love each other if you don’t have love and feel connected to your spouse the marriage won’t last. I could go on and on about making your marriage last but The main point is love each other and trust each other and believe each other and do stuff for he or she to make them special like simply stuff cook a romantic dinner surprise them with or give your wife flowers or jewelry that would make her day just the little things you do for her what really matters and yes do them when it’s not a special occasion. marriage takes a lot of time and patience and at the end its worth it being in love coming home from work to your spouse seeing her smile , then going to bed together and cuddling all night is the best ever . so If you want to be married and in love just try some of these suggestions and see the results out of it None of the top New Year’s Resolutions this year is simply to be happy. People want to be happy, but with all the stressors in life, they do not know how. People experience happiness differently and how to be happy is a subjective question. However, there are certain actions which, when taken, encourage people to be happy. The first important point for people who desire to be happy is to stop worrying about time. According to Eckhart Tolle in The Power of Now many people are obsessed with time and worry incessantly about the past and the future. Focus on the present moment of now and this will help you eliminate fear and be happy. The next thing to do to be happy is to have gratitude for what you already have. No matter how little you seem to have, been grateful. No matter if you do not have what you want yet, still be grateful. Gratitude is the starting point for happiness. Another important way to be happy is to quit taking so many toxins into your system. Purify the body. There are many ways to do this. Start by eating a better quality of food. Eat organic produce. Drink good water. Take vitamins. If you are constantly ingesting poison into your system you will feel depressed. Physical health contributes to emotional health and happiness. The next important idea for anyone who wants to be happy is to seek silence. Look for opportunities to build silence into your day. The present age is overrun with stimuli including television, computers and gadgets of all kinds. Seek time to be alone and experience the stillness of silence. Even if it is a short time it can make a big difference for peace of mind. One opportunity to find silence is in the daily practice of staying close to nature by taking walks. Walks are so therapeutic that in some cultures it is called "walking meditation." Also, if you walk outside you will automatically be closer to nature. People who remain close to nature have great potential for experiencing joy. Nature is beautiful and observing birds and trees has a calming effect. Finally, seek God. In whatever manifestation and manner that makes sense to you personally, seek a God- experience. God has many forms and names across different cultures. Seeking God is the ultimate way to be happy. So, many of us live our lives day to day never truly living and never being happy. Circumstance after circumstance is thrown out us that make us question if we can be happy for even one minute. Do we have any choice in our happiness? Certainly, we do. Here are three sure fire ways to be happy: 1.) Possibly the best way to be happy is to go outside and just spend time in nature. Only when one stops and reflects and experiences nature, can one appreciate the universe we find ourselves in. We live in a beautiful world, and to experience anything less than beauty in our existence would be wasteful as we are created to experience the world around us. Make peace with the world around you and notice everything that you find in nature from the intricate patterns of flowers and leaves to the most beautiful and majestic skies. For a moment in time, you existed and could experience these things. The best things in life are free - believe that, and you will find peace. 2.) Volunteer at a local humane society. Animals, in particular dogs, are quite possibly the only creatures that will ever love you more than they love themselves. Spending time with dogs or any animals that you admire is a great way to find happiness. Because just as you get something from them, they get comfort and love from you too from your time. 3.) Find a purpose in life. So many people who are unhappy have no reason inside to live. They feel like anomalies that have no place in the world. But, that is simply not true. Everyone has a purpose and everyone has dreams. Perhaps, the greatest source of unhappiness is to ignore these dreams and to try to find happiness in something that you know will not make you happy. If your job does not allow you to find happiness, then find happiness through a hobby or through something you enjoy doing. But, make a list of all the things you want to do before you die and then do them! Do not forget to reflect on what you have accomplished. Keep a log of all your accomplishments and take joy when you have done something outstanding. These three things will absolutely bring more happiness to your life. But, you have to try them and do them with the right attitude. It all starts with attitude! Some people often wonder if it is worth it being married. Why? They are not very happy in their marriage. Here are five tips on how to be happy in your marriage. Five Tips on How to Be Happy in Your Marriage Don't argue about money It is not worth it to argue about money. Money problems are still going to be there at the end of the day unless you do something about it. In order to create less money problems then you need to get another job or change careers. If you aren't willing to work more then you need to spend less. It takes too much energy to fight over money. The value of money is not worth the cost of a destroyed marriage. Don't get mad at your spouse for not spending time with you all the time Every person needs to spend time away from the spouse every once in a while. It is good for men and women to have a night out with the same gender. Perhaps a weekend out with the men or woman would be nice. You will find that when you two make an effort to not spend every waking moment together then you will often argue less. Why? You two will end up missing each other during the day or weekend. It is a win win situation when you both miss each other. You will be glad to see each other. Don't hide bills from each other You don't want to hide bills from each other. You and your spouse need to feel comfortable enough spending a certain amount of money without being worried that your spouse might freak out. You both need to stick to a budget and don't max out credit cards each month. It is a bad situation to hide bills from each other since the amount just keeps getting higher and higher each month. Don't forget to go out each week in order to spend some time together outside of the house You and your spouse should spend time together each week. You need to spend some alone time together away from the boring house. You want to actually talk to each other instead of sitting around reading the newspaper and playing on the computer. It is important to spend time together outside of the house since it helps to keep the marriage alive and new. Don't fight over cleaning the house The house is just a house. It is not worth the time or energy to fight over cleaning the house. The house can be cleaned any other time regardless of being day or night. It isn't worth nagging someone over and over again to clean the house. You don't want to end up in a silly argument over cleaning the house. The house will eventually be cleaned when it gets extremely messy.
The idea of commitment, especially marital commitment, is so important the world over that vows are publicly exchanged in formal ceremony to establish a recognized bond. Changes over recent decades have tended to erode the concept of what has been traditionally referred to as the marital institution. While many of the changes have been very positive, such as the movement toward equalization of genders, the high divorce rates and living together arrangements reflect an erosion of the importance placed on the meaning of commitment in our society. This is causing significant suffering. The breaking of commitment is often defined in moral terms, which tend to obscure the deeper dynamics. If understood, those dynamics could lead to more responsible behavior. Since traditional definitions of morality are often ignored and fraught with judgment and negativity, let us take a more free-thinking definition of morality as that of exhibiting thought and behavior that does not inflict suffering on oneself or others. Such suffering invariably leads to alienation: from oneself, from other(s), from community and from our Spiritual Source. Let us also infer that absence of joy and emptiness of meaning are types of suffering that can go unrecognized by those who live their lives according to the dictates of their senses and impulses – never even recognizing their higher potential. The purpose of marital commitment is to create a social structure – a safe dwelling within which a couple can move to ever deeper levels of intimacy. It is the setting where unconditional love is learned. The crucible of the marriage bond offers most of us what will become the most difficult social challenge of our lives. Think about it. We spend a lifetime, many of us, just trying to learn to accept and love ourselves! The challenge of marriage is to do the same thing with another human being. Remember, in our earlier discussion, we discussed that we hurt most those we love the most. We described how the natural boundaries that occur at the physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual friction points – where one person ends and the other person begins – create challenges due to differences in perception and experience that occur in each partner. That these differences exist, does not make either partner wrong. Anxiety naturally develops where differences are perceived, especially when communication fails. Development and continuation of intimacy absolutely require continuing communication that negotiates for a shared reality of experience – all while respecting each other’s boundaries. Formal commitment promises a safe place where we can develop and grow as human beings. We promise each other the right to be ourselves, without rejection by the other.
Then we discover there is no happily ever after. Not for most of us. What a shock! First, we have to work to learn to love ourselves, then we discover we have to work to maintain our love and commitment to another as well? For many of us, these days, it’s just too hard! We live in a throwaway society. We love to trade up – to the latest model cars, to the latest computers and cell phones. When our clothes become out of fashion, we toss them, and even our diets are subject to the latest trends dictated by the media. Everything old is more complicated and difficult, and everything new promises greater ease in our lives. Of course, we don’t make social commitments to the material things in our lives. But we do in relationships, and yet, we often treat those relationships the same way we treat our material things. If it’s too much trouble, junk it. I believe that one of the reasons we hear so little of the words, “honor” and “integrity” in our society has to do with our tendency to interpret the word “commitment” in a superficial way. By failing to follow through with the original commitment, many marriages are failing, many people are suffering, and some of the greatest joys that life has to offer are being squandered for so many of us who are too quick to believe, “there has to be something better out there.” Studies show that children suffer in families with dysfunctional marriages, and they suffer when marriages break up. As many of these children come to maturity, they hesitate to commit in marital relationships because they have become jaded by what they have seen growing up. Studies also show that many marriages that stick it out during the hard times have come to greater happiness over the years – even those that had not sought professional help. When marriages do break up, the separating partners are often unaware of how they contributed to the breakup of the prior relationship, with the result that they carry their original problems unresolved into the new relationship.
There are times when marital commitment must be considered broken. Nobody should remain in a relationship where their partner continues to exhibit abusive behavior toward them. Marital commitment is a nest – not a cage. Dictating and controlling the life of another human being is a boundary violation, second only to taking that person’s life. Indeed, it is taking a person’s life, if that person is willing to give away her power to the extent that she loses her personhood. One who gives up one’s sense of self to remain in a relationship will lose both self and relationship: better to leave while there is still a “you” to go. Third, addictive behavior of one partner – without entering recovery – will eventually bring the whole family down. Abuse of children demands separation – permanently, if the abuse continues. Finally, betrayal of trust and lying can violate the integrity of a relationship to the extent that commitment is considered broken and the marriage is unable to continue.
When circumstances such as those above threaten a relationship, it is best to take action sooner rather than later. Be willing to make confrontations, if you feel safe to do so. If events have given you cause to fear potential violence in making a confrontation, it is time to separate. Seek advice only from unbiased parties. Professional relationship counseling may save the marriage, if both partners are willing to seek help. Sometimes, a process known as “therapeutic separation” is employed during counseling, to minimize destructive processes while healing and recovery begin. Under such circumstances, separation is a time for reflection and work on oneself while outside the counseling setting – not a time for “going out.” It is better to seek help earlier, before burnout occurs. When one partner refuses to seek help at the request of the other, that partner can be considered to have ended their relationship by default. All relationships require work. If communication is not happening, or is not working, it is time to fix the communication. When Commitment Works A typical media portrayal of a couple in love in our society would be that of a young couple groping on a park bench. In reality, their behavior is primarily directed by hormones and the real work of learning to love each other lies in the years ahead. For those of us who know the truth, a better portrayal would be that of an old couple, sitting on a bench, frail shoulders touching, wrinkled hands entwined, savoring the years that have brought them to the present moment. Every moment shared in ecstasy was followed by more moments where they put each other through hell – and yet, they stayed through it all, learning, nurturing their children into their own fulfilling lives; forgiven and forgiving, cherished and cherishing to the end. So, is the price of commitment worth its reward? Ask the old couple on the park bench.
In a "male dominated" society, it is assumed that any study of the role of men would naturally favor (put in the best light) the place of males. While this might be true in society at large, it must not be true among the Lord's people. Just as we have studied the role of women, we should objectively study the role of men to see them as God sees them. Men or women must not be anything more or less than God would have them to be. The Bible provides us with the role model for every person: men, women and children. We need to stretch ourselves into the mold that God has cast, to be all that we can be in our respective places made so by natural birth. Every blessing carries with it corresponding responsibilities (and vice versa). Many seem to want males to occupy a place of superiority toward women without assuming men's responsibilities. We have seen this as men father children only to abandon them to society. Many men feel it to be a right to "play the field" with sexual partners without facing the consequences of their actions. Some do not accept their place of leadership in the church, unwittingly forcing women to accept the role of leadership without seeking it. Some husbands and fathers ignore the responsibility of being the spiritual leader of the family, thus creating a vacuum into which worldly values encroach. It is crystal clear that homes, the church and society will not heal itself without women fulfilling the place of wives, mothers and Christians. Likewise, it is clear that husbands, fathers and Christians must accept their place of service in these areas if we ever clean up the problems of our nation, homes and churches. Too many homes are fatherless; too many marriages have absentee husbands; too many churches have indifferent men who will not serve as teachers, deacons, elders or preachers. The cure for that is to have a clear vision of what God expects of men and the courage to step forward to accept that challenge. It may not be a dramatic, earth-shattering experience that makes a difference. It may be nothing more than helping children with their Bible study assignments, preparing to teach a class, or leading in prayer and home Bible study. It is not a job that will be finished in the time it takes to watch a 30-minutes TV program, but one that will consume the energies of a life-time. It is a commitment from the heart that puts priorities in place and then fulfills them on a daily basis (1 Cor. 16:13). In a word, we need men with the attitude of Joshua, who willingly accepted the role of leadership in a nation but, more importantly to our study, in the home. "And if it seem evil unto you to serve the Lord, choose you this day whom ye will serve; whether the gods which your fathers served that were on the other side of the flood, or the gods of the Amorites, in whose land ye dwell: but as for me and my house, we will serve the Lord" (Josh. 24:15). A. As "man" (human species), the universe made for his use B. Gen. 1:26-27 C. Our place in society is fixed by God in creation. 1. This role is not debatable or optional. 2. We will be judged in the role assigned to us. D. Part of this understanding is that we have a spiritual nature that reflects our Creator. We need to acknowledge this likeness and subject ourselves to its fulfillment. E. Man's destiny is fixed by the need to utilize earth and its blessings in meeting the test of spirituality over materialism. F. Regardless of "what might have been" in Eden, we now have our goal of reaching heaven. G. What we are as men will be tested to see if we succeed.
A. Husbands 1. 1 Cor. 11:1f - the role of headship (not overlord) 2. Leadership without being a dictator 3. Leadership in faith and spirituality 4. Role toward wife: "love as self" (Eph. 5:22ff) 5. Problems husbands have: a. Reflecting worldly standards b. Seeking fulfillment outside the home c. Wandering eyes, feet toward other women d. Not sharing in home duties, responsibilities e. Becoming bitter toward wife (feeling tied down) f. Lack of financial responsibility B. Fathers 1. Importance of "role model" in society 2. Lack of presence robs children of needed influence 3. Lack of leadership passed on to next generation 4. Eph. 6:4 - Spiritual influence required 5. Role of father in discipline - 1 Sam. 3:13 (Eli) 6. How does one weigh value of love of a father toward his children in helping them face problems of life? C. In Church (Teachers; Deacons; Elders) 1. Teachers: 2 Tim. 2:2; 2. Elders - 1 Tim. 3: Titus 1; Heb. 13:7, 17; Acts 20:28 3. Deacons - 1 Tim. 3:18f; Acts 6 4. Must be willing to pay price of time, study, effort 5. Unselfishness toward need of others as it reflects the spirit of Christ to all men. Conclusion: There is a direct relationship between strong homes, strong churches, a strong society and Godly men. There is no substitute. God made no provision if this fails and, when we fail, we must pay the consequences. The decline of America can be directly tied to a diminution of men (pun intended). While we may not contribute much to the salvation of our nation as a whole or the church in its universal sense, we can begin where we live and make a difference. Let each of us resolve to take our place in God's structure of life by showing the courage of Joshua. "As for me and my house...."
• Personally modeling strict personal fidelity to God. Too many churches have taught a feminine version of Christianity. One that makes men out to be pansies. We have taken the adventure and risk out of faith and made it about what we know for certain and what we can control. In turn, men have run from churches. So, most men have no personal faith to pass on. So it starts with an understanding of what God calls men to and living that out. You can’t pass on to anyone something that you aren’t. Being a Christian should be so obvious that you never have to tell anyone about it. For example, I never have to say, “I’m a Steelers fan.” Everyone knows. • Leading the family in the national festivals, nurturing the memory of Israel’s salvation. Men need to remind their families of what God has done for them in the past. When God saved you, when you were baptized, how God has provided for you financially and protected you as a family/couple. Keep this in front of your family. • Managing the land in accordance with the law. This can be taking care of the environment or paying your taxes, house payments, bills, etc. Do you fall behind consistently on your bills? What does that say about you? This gets into how you manage your finances. Now, in our family, Katie pays the bills, but I am a part of what happens and we talk about everything. I have not abdicated that to her. • Providing for the family’s basic needs for food, shelter, clothing and rest. This is self-explanatory, but one thought, do you make enough money to provide for your family? Sure, you could always make more money and there are more things you would like to buy. Maybe you need to tone down your budget so that you are able to live on what you make. What has to happen so you can live on one income? Here’s a great resource coming up at Revolution. • Defending the household against outside threats. This is not just protecting your family from harm; it’s that, but so much more. Are you protecting your family from sin or are you bringing it into your house? Are you teaching your kids about what sin are, what to avoid or are you hoping they pick it up somewhere or the church does that for you since it sounds hard? Are you keeping your family balanced when it comes to the calendar? Too many families just do everything without thinking about it. But you may say, “My wife keeps our calendar.” That may be, but I’ll explain in a minute why that doesn’t matter and why that is a lame excuse for living a frantic life. • Serving as elder and representing the household in the official assembly of citizens. Are you striving to be an influencer in your local church or are you sitting on the sideline? Remember, what you are, you pass on (read #1 again). If you are not involved at church in a group, serving, going to church, giving back to God financially, your kids won’t. It is that simple. If you don’t passionately follow God, don’t get mad when your kids don’t. It is no one’s fault but your own. • Maintaining family members’ well-being and harmonious operation of the family unit. This one gets tricky. Think about it like this, if your wife has a conflict with your mom, whose side are you on? Some may say, “I’ll try to play the mediator so they can work it out.” Sorry, but that is unbiblical. When you got married, you became one with your wife, her problem is your problem. She may be wrong, but you will defend her position to the death in public. Now privately you can tell her, “You are wrong” but in public, she is right. • Implementing decisions made at the clan or tribal level. When you make a decision as a family to get out of debt, buy a house, set a goal. It is your job to make sure it happens. If you get off track, you get back on track. That list is overwhelming. We have not even discussed what a wife/woman is supposed to be and do. You may think, I don’t want to do those things. I wish you well when you tell God that. This is what the Scriptures call us; consequently, this is what God calls us to as men/husbands/fathers. For me, it is something to shoot for, a challenge to rise to. I love that. I get to become this. If you are single, what woman does not want a husband who does these things? If you are married, your wife is dreaming of the day you will become these things. If you don’t believe me, show her this list.
• Spiritually apathetic headship. This husband completely abdicates his role as the spiritual leader of his family. He often will not go to church with his wife and kids and if he does, he is very passive. Not getting involved, not praying with his wife or kids, not praying at dinner, not guiding his kids spiritually, not asking questions, not reading the Scripture to them. He leaves that up to the church or his wife. • Workaholic headship. This husband sees headship simply as providing for the needs of his family. While that is part of headship, there is more to it than making money so there is a roof over their head, clothes on their back and food on the table. This type of headship is disconnected from the family in some very important ways. • Dictorial headship. This husband uses headship as a way to control and get his way, all the time. It doesn’t matter how he gets his way and it doesn’t matter what happens because he has gotten his way. He just wants his way. Often, he will use Bible verses to get it. This husband will treat his wife and kids as slaves and orders them around. Often, this will lead to physical abuse, which is nowhere near what Paul had in mind when he called men to be the head of their house. • Emotionally detached headship. This is the husband who is the head of the family in name only. He has nothing to do with his wife, kids. He does not lead them in any form. He simply sits by, dictating when he doesn’t like something, letting his wife take on his role and responsibility and basically do everything he is supposed to do. Emotionally, he does not know how to relate to his and kids. He does not know how to connect to his family, he is distant. • Irresponsible headship. This is the husband who buys things without consulting his wife, makes decisions on his own and generally puts his family in financial, relational, physical and emotional danger because “He is the head of the house.” This husband sees headship as a club to get to do what he wants.
• Deal with all your junk right away. Everyone brings baggage into a marriage and some couples work through as much as possible as fast as possible and others don’t. I think when a couple has been married for 2 – 3 years; you can tell if they have worked on their baggage. • Understand your roles and live in them. Too many couples think they can have a roleless marriage and it will work. The Bible clearly lays out roles, what a husband is and what a wife is. Too many wives do what their husbands are supposed to do which lead to men doing nothing. • Be intimate, a lot. It’s no coincidence that every marriage book, every couple who says they are happy; all say they are intimate, a lot. 1 in 5 couples have what is called a sexless marriage (less than 10 times a year). The average for a married couple is 1 – 2 times every 10 days. Wonder why couples aren’t happy? Those stats are a place to start. • Date night. I’m stunned at the amount of couples who do not have a regularly scheduled date night. I won’t go into much detail here because I just blogged about this the other day (you can read that here). Bottom line, you need a weekly date night, every week, protect it with your life and make it a priority and make it happen. • Your relationship is more important than any other relationship (except God). Too many couples make their jobs, parents, friends and kids more important than their marriages. Guess what? A day is coming when it will just be you and your spouse. Make that relationship the most important. • Pray together. This is a great way to connect, especially at the end of a long day. It is a great way to thank your spouse for things out loud. This is especially good if you had a long day or a huge fight at night. This is something EVERY couple should do everyday. • Play together. Admittedly, this might be more of a man need, but do fun things together. If you are both into football, go to a game. Go shopping. Play golf or tennis. Run together. Do something fun that is just the two of you. • Find a mentor. Every couple should have a mentor. From the time of our engagement, we have had other couples speaking into our marriage. They have helped us get to where we are right now. • Put the other person first. One thing marriage brings out is how selfish we are. All over the scriptures when it talks about marriage, it talks about serving each other. If you make it your goal to outserve the other person, you will win at marriage. • Decide that you will stay married even if it kills you (and it probably will). This may sound obvious, but even though couples don’t get married planning to get divorced, so many couples are willing to call it quits really quickly. If you are going to work through all your junk (see #1), you will need the confidence that no matter what, this thing will make it to the end. If you decide to stay married even if it kills you, you can really do anything and get through anything. It will be hard, but deciding this ahead of time will go a long way. • No secrets. It is amazing to me the amount of couples who keep secrets from their spouse. I have had men tell me something and then say, “Don’t tell my wife.” Uh, if you don’t, I will. No wonder marriages implode, they don’t trust each other. • Work out of your gifting. While there are specific roles for men and women in marriage (#2), there are many things in marriage that it doesn’t matter who does them. Things like finances. Some are gifted at it, others aren’t. Do the things you are good at, let your spouse do what they are good at. • Men, lead. This has to do with roles (#2), but too many men do not lead and take initiative in their marriages and consequently, their marriages suffer. Men are called to take initiative, to lead with a servant heart, to passionately pastor their wives and kids. With Jesus as our model, this is something that will save you a lot of heartache. • Stay pure. This is not just for men. This is not just a physical thing. It is an all encompassing thing. Are you physically, emotionally, spiritually, relationally, mentally attached to someone you are not married to? Your spouse is the person who should meet these needs more than any other person. • Boundaries: It is hard to commit adultery if you don’t put yourself in the position to commit adultery. What did I miss? What would you add as a way to improve your marriage? • Get Fresh 1 of 8 Yes, that honeymoon phase will fade. But know this: "There are three brain systems involved with falling and staying in love—sex drive, romantic love and deep feeling of attachment. It's natural for couples to move from one phase to another, and back. Read on for experts tips on how to rekindle that loving feeling. • Talk About It 2 of 8 Only you know what makes you feel sexy—whether it's wearing sexy underthings or getting in a great sweat session at the gym—but there is one universal feel-sexy secret: Talking about it. "Women who talk about sex with their spouses for 10 minutes a day [reportedly] have the same sexual desire as women who take a libido-boosting medication. • Get Busy 3 of 8 Two-thirds of women don't get aroused until they're already in the act. So, don't wait to feel in the mood. "The more sex you have, the sexier you feel and the more you'll want to do it. Another bonus: The dopamine and oxytocin that are released after sex will make you feel closer than ever. • Be Selfish 4 of 8 The happiest marriages are the kinds in which both spouses have their own hobbies and interests. "People want a partner who makes their life more colorful. After all, that's why you fell in love with him and him with you." Maintaining those interests keeps your relationship fresh and guarantees that you'll stay irresistible to each other. • Get Uncomfortable 5 of 8 If your waitress at your favorite dinner spot knows your and your guy's orders by heart, listen up: One of the best ways to stay hot for each other is to do new things together. "Novelty drives up dopamine in the brain, and that's linked with feelings of intense romantic love. “Doing any new activity together makes people feel alive, and we connect that high with their partner." • Have An Affair... 6 of 8 With your spouse. This can bring back feelings of excitement and closeness—not to mention smoking-hot sex—you had when you first met, Love says. So send each other sexy texts when you least expect it, or sneak away for a nooner at a hotel. "Tap into that playfulness and passion, and you'll start looking at your partner in a new, sexy light." • Celebrate The Good 7 of 8 Couples who celebrate joyous moments together have the happiest, most trusting and most committed relationships. "When you share your spouse's excitement—whether it's completing a 5K or getting a new job—you project that joy onto your partner. “And nothing is more attractive than a person who loves her life." • Be Competitive 8 of 8 Pitting yourself against your guy can boost attraction, add chemistry and lead to a hotter sex life. Competition ups libido-boosting testosterone in men and women. "People interpret that competitive rush as a connection to their partner," Love says. Challenge your guy to a tennis match—then hit the sheets! 15 Ways To Destroy Your Marriage #1 – Have an affair! (II Samuel 11-12) #2 – Refuse to run from tempting situations! (Genesis 39:1-12I) #3 – Look at LOTS of porn! (Job 31:1) #4 – Connect with “old flames” through online social networking and then convince yourself it is ok because you aren’t actually doing anything wrong! #5 – Refuse to talk to your spouse about issues that make you angry…just bury them and let a huge pile build up so that you can explode irrationally on them when they totally do not expect it. (Ephesians 4:25-27) #6 – Have an affair!!! #7 – Make sure you spend lots of person time with the same person of the opposite sex that you are not married to…and when confronted on it say, “It’s business.” #8 – Make “innocent” remarks to an attractive person of the opposite sex such as, “I wish I had met you before I had gotten married.” #9 – Put an ad for yourself on an internet dating site…even though you are married…just to see what type of interest you could create! #10 – Compare your spouse with other people OFTEN and convince yourself that you didn’t get God’s best when you agreed to marry him/her. #11 – Have an affair!!! #12 – Take your cues about sexual morality from Hollywood and your “friends” rather than God’s Word. (John 14:15) #13 – Begin to believe that your spouse’s main mission on this planet should be to meet your needs…and when they don’t then justify trying to get your needs met elsewhere. #14 – Fantasize often as to what it would be like to be with another person other than your spouse. #15 – Be willing to sell out years of marriage, the respect of your children and your character for an orgasm.
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